Red card, Yellow card...Red Sux

I have to admit the JET Get Born CD is one of my most deeply embarrassing guilty pleasures. I could listen Are You Gonna be My Girl way too many times in a row. Funny, I never favored black hair, but oy, the boots line...

All right, I'm sure all those Red Sox fans out there feel the the Devil Rays (I refuse to acknowledge the religious rights ultimatum to get rid of the Devil) have the them right where they want them. You know the comebacks (3-0,3-1) against the Yankees and the Indians (@#$%&) are still fresh in their minds. But you know what? It ain't happenin' this time! And the moaning about the Red Sox starters is being way over played. Hey, when you know a team can't score, the ball looks bigger and the bat feels lighter when you're at the plate. These Devil Rays know this isn't the SUX that had Manny and Mike Lowell in the lineup. Okay Bay is a decent hitter, but when you look over in the on-deck circle and don't that crazy, bug-eyed mutha' fer waiting to hit, Ortiz doesn't seem so threatening. I know the supposed experts are saying it's his hand, but it has to have something do do without having Manny. So, he pouted and got the trade he wanted. But still, this is his walk year, and he doesn't lay down in the post-season. The cliche about making the players around him better fits here. Even if said player can be an A-hole at times. The converse to this is that the Red Sox batters is that the ball looks like a pea, and the bat feels like a telephone pole. I think they'll win (Sox) tonight, if Dice-k can keep the walks down; and I don't like the switch to Kasmir as the Devil Rays starter. He's a five inning, soft tossing Johan Santana...then he turns into Carlos. It's hard having a wife and daughter that are so enamored with the Olde Town team. The wife won't watch, and I was in deep shit when I blurted the first inning score to her last night. My daughter's away message on IM "GOD DAMN TIM WAKEFIELD!" By the third inning I was thumbing back and forth between the Knicks pre-season and the baseball game. The Knicks may still suck, but they get over a hundred points a night with this D'Antoni offense...run, run and run some more. It's a trip seeing Randolph running the floor! They scored fifty-nine points in a game last year. Last night they had fifty-one at halftime! Too bad tickets cost two car payments, a bag of af-gooie and a weeks groceries. For now though, the Rangers are 5-0-0. Dubinsky...star on the rise.

My bitch du jour are these head-hits in the NFL. I'm waiting for a helmet to come off some QB's head...and his head will still be in it! So while watching the USA annihilate my precious Cuba team in the World Cup qualifier, it came to me like a rum injected bolt of lightening. (Cuba, what memories; chopping cane with Che, watching Hemingway make a fool of himself on daiquiris in the bar at the Hotel Floridita, and of course taking BP against Fidel. But I digress, and I'm not supposed to talk about anything before the Bay of Pigs fiasco.)

The fines (could management be helping out with these, many former players have cited "bounty issues") these guys get, and the occasional suspension are not going to stop this excess violence. Sure, I know people who have stopped watching. My own brother, a producer/director for HBO's Sunday pre-game show wouldn't know the difference between Santana and Sinorice Moss. (I had to get Santana in this piece twice...he's on the CD player now. By the way, all you techno geeks out there, stop laughing. I have Sirius on line, but I like the feel of the CD. You know it's like reading the news on-line instead the tactile pleasure of a of a newspaper.) Anyway, while watching the soccer game, the original football, the answer to this was obvious . Apply the red card, yellow card system to the NFL. Doesn't that sound like a Dr Zeuss book? An overly zealously shot, but not malicious, would give the team on offense the penalty and the guilty party would get a yellow card to boot. (Nice pun.) Two cards, he's ejected and misses then next game. Those big, fifteen yard start, four seconds after the whistle intended to send the QB in orbit would be the red card offense. Immediate ejection and suspension for the next game. All other professional sports have similar legislation, but football, the closest thing to the events that were held at the Roman Colosseum...nada. They sure keep an eye on the crimes and misdemeanors during the players off-time (after years of looking the other way), but how about what goes on every Sunday afternoon during the NFL season.

Aren't Sundays a sports degenerates delight this time of year? Wake up to the Premier League, maybe some La Liga, the NFL, baseball, hockey and if your thumb is well-enough developed some golf (sucks without Tiger), NASCAR (start and finish only), bull-riding (a big, big mea culpa to PETA, but hey, the bulls win most of the time, and you know what that means, lots of stud time) and the when all-else fails some west coast pre-season basketball. All you need for this is a wife who loves baseball and tolerates the rest of the bullshit. Yes, I am a lucky man. We've been to all the major American sports (she was once run over by Eric Metcalf while doing the photography for a Browns/Pats game I was covering), World Cup Soccer and I think she went to a few holes of either the senoirs event or the LPGA in Naples, FL. I think she could have passed the test in Diner.

Too bad about Big Brown tearing his hoof again. He and Curlin would've been a helluva match in the Breeder's Cup.

All right, thanks for listening, the knee feels well enough to walk to the mail box...later, biff

Sarh Palin's gaff helps recovery...

I'm not too comfortable sitting at the computer yet, and this might be really old news...but Sarah Palin showed her extreme lack of intelligence/experience when she responded harshly and critically to a crowd that was chanting, oh my, "Sarah, Sarah, Sarah..." Who knows what was going on in her head when, after way too much dead air she said (I paraphrase) "I just hope all you protesters out there give thanks to our troops protecting your right to use the First Amendment." She has single handily set-back the feminist movement by about fifty years.

Really sad note, the Rangers (3-0-0) finally look respectable, and their number one draft-pick drops dead in the Russian League. Some irony to this tragedy; Alexi Cherepanov nineteen, had just taken a shift with former Ranger star Jaromir Jagr.

My knee is going well...look forward to sitting here longer soon. Congrats to those recognizing the Cuba hat...

later, biff

McCain, WITHOUT A LEG TO STAND ON, mulls...

After pulling out of the race in Michigan, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is considering the offer of my right leg for: two of his thirteen houses, a Prius and all the percocets he can find in his wife's underwear drawer. Said offer will expire in 24 hours and then injured Red Sox third baseman, Mike Lowell will have an opportunity to outbid the Senator until noon Thursday.

Medical donations can be made through the BIFFINFO/HMO division.

Later, biff

OH J, say it ain't so

You know those poor sports memorabilia dealers (talk about a scummy group, they've ruined baseball card collecting and other harmless activities of that ilk that should be reserved for kids) could have been saved from from all this if Marcia Clark had just done her job. We all knew that Mr Simpson had committed the heinous crime he was accused of...and Clark couldn't close the deal. Her voire dire skills were lacking, and I think she might have spent a little too much time concentrating on her associate Chris Darden. "The glove didn't fit, and I don't give a shit" should have been in here closing statement. But, hey, it took thirteen years and the tragic figure will probably die in the can. Bummer. Ron Goldman's Dad (OJ's wife's co-victim) had the best quote from this trial, "I hope his cell window has a view of a golf course." As one of the Sports Reporters" (ESPN) mentioned Sunday morning, this does have all the trappings of a Greek tragedy. Supplemental justice is always one of the best of ironies. You heard that here first, but it is what happened. The prosecutors in Nevada came up with a tremendous list of charges to keep loophole circumvention at a minimum. They did well in jury selection too, lots of white women. The race card was way down in the deck in Nevada, and they couldn't find a crooked dealer to move it into to play. Another thought. OJ's post exoneration demeanor (looking for the killers on various golf courses, road rage, mistreatment of his DEAD wife's look-a-like girlfriends; they all had 911 on speed dial) has always lead me to believe that his subconscious wanted to get his criminal ass behind bars where it belonged. In my mind Simpson was the second best running back I've ever seen, nobody can touch Jim Brown. He (Simpson) was a stud at USC, and manged to run for over two thousand yards in a season at the NFL's Ice Station Zebra, Buffalo. Plus, nobody has ever run through an airport with such elan. Who knew Hertz would would lead to such hurt. (Did I just write that?) I'll admit to OJ trial addiction in '95, but it taught me a valuable lesson: Don't watch that shit.

Remember the slow chase? The white Bronco and Al Cowlings? I watched it in a bar on Bimini. I have an old friend who sails anywhere at the drop of a hat, and we decided to hop over to Bimini in his twenty-seven foot sloop from Coconut Grove. In those days I indulged a little more than I should have. You know booze, combustibles and the occasional dabbling from the huge drug smorgasbord that was readily attainable in south Florida where I lived. (Full disclosure; I was BAD, for many years, but I am approaching four years out of the bottle...it's a drag, but it works.) Anyway we set out from Dinner Key for the tiny island just forty-eight miles from Miami. We had a cooler of beer and some mind altering/stimulating substances...and matches. No wind, so at sunset we're motoring with the smallest outboard imaginable. Just as the sun went down, the light that illuminates the compass went out. So, to follow the heading we have to light the compass with matches. If you haven't done it, you can't imagine the degree of difficulty of that dive! Then the wind never came up. Dead air. We're motoring to Bimini, heads full of the aforementioned brain candy through the Gulf Stream, in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. Not a problem. There was one, we ran our of beer just before dawn. We always managed to have the little sloop on the compass heading (lots of burnt fingers), and we'd see the lights of other boats just to know we were still out there on the right road. Oh yeah, the radio was dead too. Well, it wasn't dead, nobody would answer us. As the sun was coming up I saw lights that must have been heading into Bimini. Short story; those lights were Bimini! Hungover like a beer league softball team that just won the town championship, we made the tough maneuver through the channel into Bimini's picture perfect harbor. All we had to do was clear customs and hit the sack at the Compleat Angler (Hemmingway's favorite hotel on the tiny island). My goal was to be at the corner of the bar when the Knicks playoff game came on that night at eight. Customs was a breeze, though my pal had a bag of weed in his pocket as we we went through the small customs house. That's the way it is in the islands. I slept most of the day, and was ready for the Knicks game that night. I was seated under the TV with a plate of sumptuous conch fritters and a frosty Red Stripe...perfecty situated in paradise to watch my beloved Knicks. Life was good. Then that god-damned slow pace chase came on and I was tidal waved off my bar stool as the locals cheered on OJ like he was breaking a seventy-yarder against Notre Dame. I was out of the bar, and out of luck. There were three other places on the island, I opted for the End of the World Bar down the street a bit. Nice spot, dirt floor and an almost working television. The bartender and I shared a spliff and I watched the Knicks through a slight snow storm. The islanders at that joint appreciated the Bahamian Patrick Ewing. On his list of his crimes, making me change bars is way, way down on OJ's list.

McCain pulling out of Michigan is a white flag if I ever saw one. Oh Yeah, Suzanne visited this weekend and guaranteed an Obama victory. She was told by a legit medium. And, get this, said medium predicted a medical problem in Biden's life...that makes her one-for-one.

I'm sure Earl will be watching, the USA plays Cuba with Joey Altidore and Freddy Adu this weekend, as World Cup qualification continues.

Sorry about the Rice pick...but they did (with Tulsa) cover the ridiculously high over... 79! Ninety-one points is more than just a few college basketball games will see. I will have a winner for you this weekend. FRod looks like he has about four innings left...in his career. He looks like a wind-up toy on acid, but he's real a treat to watch. With major league pitchers approaching NBA small forward size, it's nice to see guys like Lincecum, Kazmir and most of the kids from the DR. Somebody is going to give him a ton of scheckels...and the payoff will be somewhere between Carl Pavano and Tom Glavine (Met contract).

All right, I'm headed for knee surgery in a couple of hours. Don't know if I can concentrate for a day or two...but hey, read the comments from the post prior to this one, some good stuff.


Later, biff

Longoria, 'nuff said...Palin/Biden snore

Evan Longoria, 'nuff said , okay. At twenty-two he could be the best player in baseball for the next decade. Unfortunately, as I mentioned, he's tied to that bat cave of a stadium in St Pete. On a normal night (when the Yankees, Red Sox or Cubs aren't there) attendance is less than ten grand. It's an ugly place to go to a ball game. I have actually seen a rat running across the out- field there. No, I'm not talking about Jose Canceso.

Friend Jim wonders aloud about the vegetarian zeppelin playing first base for the Brewers. He must be a vegetarian with benefits. Jim says,"I realize ice cream, potato chips, cookies and pizza can be vegetarian..." it's tough to keep a body like that without animal fat. And, by the way, who's designing his uniforms? They look like they're off-the-rack from old harem movies. Please, don't let yourself wonder what's under that suit. Also, along with Sabathia, McGlung and Gagne the Packers might be able to fit them into their o-line.

Before touching on the debate, how about McCain as the Manchurian Candidate. If there's a God I'll be struck down soon...that abscess on the left side of his face...could it be from a badly done dental procedure? My other thought on his looming presidency is equally disturbing...could he take office and immediately bomb Vietnam? Hey little George got back at Iraq for Daddy as quickly as he could. McCain's pull out of Michigan is a bit disturbing, there has to be something fishy about that maneuver. That's a lot of electoral votes to throw in...my biggest fear is that he'll win the state!

All right the debate was about as big a snore fest as a Royals/Mariners game in September. One thing for sure, Palin has to stop punctuating with that quick, left eye wink. Who's that for. If I heard "betcha" one more time I was going to ask the television what the line was. I nodded off, woke up to a betcha, and thought I was watching the out-takes from Fargo. While that was going on, since there was absolutely no substance to the debate, I couldn't take my eyes off Biden's forehead. Plugs? High-end rug? Natural...nah. If anybody can shed some light on Joe's hair system I'd really appreciate it. I had a friend in Florida who could tell me in a second. A real PHD in fake hair, but sadly, we've lost contact.

The "Joe six-pack" references caught my attention, but my brother claims that's one of her connectors to the "real" people. "Biff twelve pack", could have moved me in a sentimental sort of way. That and not answering questions she doesn't know the answer to...savvy move. My friend Chris told me today that the fact-checkers (on NPR) were going ape-shit trying to figure out who was lying and who wasn't...my score-card was a mess after it was over. I do know they both have different views of what the vice president is supposed to do according to the constitution...I always thought smiling and waving were the most important job qualifications. I was really impressed when Palin said "McCain knows how to win a war." What conflict would that have been? If I were Biden I would have brought up McCain's better half starting a medical aid program and then getting opiates out of the non-profit organization. But that's just me. At least he could have thrown some shots at Palin's hubby winning the gas powered Iditarod. But, the silver lining is now these two will go away and eat shitty cookies in VFW Halls until this ratings (TV) driven piece of democracy is over with. It was either a hung jury, mistrial or a tie. Whatever, if you were undecided, you still are. And how in-the-hell could you STILL be undecided after all this?

Hopefully somebody will figure out how to apply HBO's compustat to the presidential debates. When a candidate makes a salient point (if it happens) a bell will ring and a point will register on the screen. I've never been big on subjective judging. You know, all those Olympic events that have judges instead of a finish line or a scoreboard. But that's another rant. (Hint, chess is more of an Olympic sport than gymnastics...game, sport whatever. No doubt the gymnasts are some of the best athletes, but put a clock on them, or have them dunk a basketball or swim to the starting area. Crazy, I don't think so...)

Take Rice and the 16 1/2... against Tulsa. I have a feeling they will go over a hundred. A ton of bad blood between the schools... Later, biff

Longoria-not desperate

Evan Longoria has started to look like the heir apparent to ARod as the third-baseman du jour. I guess David (clutch is something in my car) Wright will remain in the bridesmaid position with his only reward being the unwarranted Gold Glove he won last year. Now Longoria isn't going to put up the numbers ARod has accumulated, but he seems to have that winner's aura that has escaped the make up of the hit-machine Rodriquez. Before I go to far with this it must be noted that Longoria is tied to the Rays (the Christian Right will go ape-shit if Tampa Bay wins after dropping the "Devil" from the team's appellation) until he is twenty-nine. Hopefully they'll come up with some dough down there to move the team out of the bat cave they play in. I made the bold prediction that the Rays would win seventy-five games this year (see wife for proof)...wrote it on the calendar, and now feel like the town idiot because it went so lo low. Anyway, along with Longoria you have to love a manager (John Maddon) that gets a mowhawk for team unity. Too bad Tony Parker didn't marry this Longoria...could you imagine the athletic kids!

The TBS announcing team is mostly generic, but Harold Reynolds has always sounded like Chris Rock to me. Hence the uncontrollable laughter when listening to the games. Thankfully the wife doesn't question it...I guess she welcomes the behaviour after enduring few years of my shall we say "troubled times".

All this baseball...and we get the Biden/Palin debate. I'll be working the DVR and clicker like a meth-addicted rhesus monkey on behavioral apparatus. (Training those guys was my first real job, actually my only real job, after college.) I'm still hung up on the idea of this woman being president of the United States. Does it really work for anybody out there? My old neighbor was a Secret Service agent for the Bush girl when she was down the road at Yale. For four years he had to keep track of the lesser of two evils while dressed as a prepster...packing all sorts of heat and high-tech communications stuff. I would love to get his view on the circus that must be shaping up as the campaign trail events dwindle down. How long has this election season been? It makes me think of the warning that the ED ads throw at you every time..."lasts more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention." Haven't we had our four hours of Politicking? By the way has anybody heard of Viagra or Cialis causing the aforementioned problem. If so, please send a brief description...I'm thinking of a book proposal.

Okay I'm getting ready for some knee surgery. When you get older, after they've fixed one, your good knee becomes your bad knee. Then if you live long enough it rotates again. Hopefully, fueled by some medication, my creativity level will rise somewhat next week.

If John Lester wasn't a cancer survivor I really would have been upset with the Angels futility at the plate last night. I used to like two Red Sox, but Manny's gone.

Somebody needs to tel AJ Perzynski he isn't Ricky Henderson...later, biff